It has been exactly 9 months today since I last laid eyes on the beautiful face of my son. And exactly 16 months before that, was the first time.
Only 16 months between the first time I took him in my arms, the first time I kissed him, the first time I cried for him and the last time I had him in my arms, the last time I kissed him but not the last time I cried for him.
So strange that the exact same organs and parts of my body were involved in both types of crying; my tears, my eyes, my neurotransmitters, the release of cortisol hormone and the swelling of my heart with emotion. But one huge difference is that, when my son was placed on my chest after the intensity that is child-birth, my heart became swollen with a love and joy that I had never ever felt before in my life. The joy consumed me and I just wanted to stay in that bliss with my son on my chest forever.
When my heart became swollen 16 months later, it was love again but love partnered with something that is termed ‘Complicated Grief’. I actually think the correct terminology is ‘Uncomplicated Grief’ because there is nothing complicated about a parent’s love for their child, there is nothing complicated in the destruction that takes place inside a parent who’s child is taken away from them.
I don’t know why I do it, but I do count how long it’s been. In the beginning I did it because I didn’t think I would be able to survive much longer than him but I knew I had to, so I counted one day, and then one week, then the next milestone became a month and before I knew it, here I am 9 months later.
You might be thinking, why did I have to survive? I will tell you about that in a latter post. But for now, know that we all have milestones that we have to get to or get through. It doesn’t matter what those milestones are, or how many of them there are, the fact that you’ve gotten to them or gotten through them means you’re a lot stronger than you probably ever thought you were. I know that’s the case with me.
Every day is still hard, in fact every minute is hard and it will probably be hard for the rest of my life. But I will take it one step at a time with the help of my milestones. And you know why? Because it is one step closer to seeing my baby in heaven.