I’ve been MIA for a while now and it is simply down to the fact that I have been struggling. Struggling so much that I was barely functioning these past weeks. The trigger? His first death anniversary.
A few weeks ago, it was my son’s one year death anniversary. I started becoming anxious as the day drew closer. I was dreading this day so much. I didn’t want it to come by because it symbolised so many things and none of them good.
I realised on this day that for the past year I was treading water and just about keeping my head above water so I could breathe. During the year, I got a bit tired and submerged under water but only for a couple of minutes, and then I regained my strength and brought my head above water again to continue breathing.
But when I woke up on this morning, I was suddenly overcome by a tidal wave and I could no longer tread water, no matter how hard I tried, the wave took over me and took control of me. I splashed my arms around, I kicked my legs as hard as I could, but I had no more power to fight it.
This is the best way I can describe my grief. His death anniversary confirmed he is gone, his death anniversary confirmed that life does keep going on, his death anniversary confirmed that I have to live through this day for the rest of my life, his death anniversary confirmed that pretty soon he would have been taken out of my life longer than he was in it. All these confirmations made me crack.
I didn’t… I don’t… want to face this. I don’t want to live this life, I don’t want to have lived my life longer with his death than with his life. It’s just so horrible, so cruel, so… wrong.
New emotions have surfaced for me since that day. Before, I felt like I had my emotions under control and I had composure. Not to say I wasn’t crushed or sad, I was completely heartbroken but I was able to humour myself. But now I can’t, I’m so broken that my heartache has made me angry.
I’m angry that my beautiful son was taken away from me, I’m angry that my perfect world was crushed in front of my eyes, I’m angry that the one person who made EVERY SINGLE THING okay will never be with me in this life, I’m angry that I HAVE to continue the rest of my years without him… I am so intensely heart-wrenchingly unfortunately angry.
But I don’t want to be angry…